Saturday, May 28, 2011

How to be a Good Puppy

A complete Guide by Oliver Walter.

-4:30am is the best time to start the day. Start whimpering and nibbling fingers. If this proves ineffective, a low growl and a few yelps should do the trick. The One with the Yellow Hair will get out of bed, attach the leash, and escort you outside.
-Take your time outside. It's a beautiful morning and you deserve a few minutes of grass sniffing, bird chasing, and stick chewing.
-After returning back inside, repeat the process, but this time target The Tall One with the Glasses. After a few sharp barks, he will slowly get out of bed.
-Wait about an hour (at this point it should be 7:00am), then start howling. The One with the Yellow Hair and The Tall One with Glasses don't know that it's time to be awake and they need your help. Continue to howl until they respond. You will probably hear things like "knock it off" and "You're being a poopface." They're telling you how much they love you, and how glad they are that you have helped them wake up. But they will probably remain in bed, so it's time to entice them with all your squeaky toys. The really loud ones. Squeak them. Loudly.
-Show them how fun it is to be awake by repeatedly running from one side of the apartment to the other, increasing speed with every lap.
-Show them how much they want to eat breakfast by devouring your entire bowl of food in one sitting.
-Run back and forth again.
-Throw up your breakfast.
-Watch The One with the Yellow Hair clean up your now regurgitated breakfast. Try to stop her by nipping at her hand.
-Spend the next thirty minutes destroying the living room. Things that are placed just out of your reach are meant to be a challenge. Jump high, grab, then chew. Magazines are meant to be shredded. Bills to be ripped apart, and bags to be thrown around. At the end of this thirty minutes, the room should look like the aftermath of a robbery or natural disaster.
-The One with the Yellow Hair will now be awake (8:00am) and ready for a run.
-While running, be sure to mark every tree, bush, lamp post, and mailbox you see. Your supply is impressive. Also, be sure to periodically sit down and refuse to move. This is adorable. It is best to be simultaneously impressive and adorable.
-Break free from your leash and chase any bikers or pedestrians. You have marked every tree, bush, lamppost and mailbox, and they have no right to be on your territory. Again, this is impressive.
-Give up running and insist on being carried the final block. The One with the Yellow Hair will appreciate the opportunity to hold you tight. When she says "Bad Puppy," She means "I love you so much and want to hug you forever."
-It's 9:00am. You've worked hard. Time for a nap.


  1. Meg, I love this post. This reminds me of my own dog, Cooper. He is an insane puggle, almost 2 years old now. He loves to wake me up at 4:30 by body slamming me, and then politely sitting at the side of the bed until I get up to feed him. If I don't feed him, he will then proceed to walk over the top of me until I actually get up. Crazy little guys, but we love them for some reason.

  2. Paige, your puppy is so cute. And it's so good to hear from you.

  3. this made me giggle with cuteness.

  4. you should get a baby. they seem easier than puppies sound...

  5. The pet store was all out of babies.


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