And so it ends.

Did anyone else notice how Jef with one F repeatedly said "I've never loved a girl this much"? Did anyone else find it odd that he had to specify Emily's gender? Just me? Ok.

I have no idea what Jef said while presenting the ring to Emily. I went to the bathroom when it started, came back, and he was still talking. Grabbed a snack, came back and he was still talking. Traveled to Siberia, came back, and he was still talking. That last one might be an exaggeration, but it was seriously the. longest. proposal. Followed be the. most. hilarious. montage.

Oh, that montag. Peter Cetera's The Glory of Love from Karate Kid II served as the soundtrack for Emily and Jef's finest, out of focus moments (one skateboard trick, one creepy puppet show, and lots of kissing). Way to spend the big bucks on tunes, ABC.

Let's talk about Jef's hair. I wonder if he tells his hairdresser, "Give me nightly news anchor, minus the sides."
I would pay to know his secret to good volume. Especially on those humid islands. How do you do it, Jef?

Let's talk about Arie. I hope they paid that guy a ton of money because I can't imagine anything worse than sitting next to the person who dumped you and hearing why they like someone else better. On national television. Either the contracts these people sign are iron-clad, or Arie is really hoping to be the next Bachelor.

If I were a drinker, I think my favorite drinking game would be to take a shot every time Chris Harrison says his name. By the end of last night I would have been completely plastered. Good thing Bachelor Pad starts tonight so I don't have to go more than 24 hours without hearing Chris Harrison say, "I'm Chris Harrison."

Reality Television

Jef with on F to Emily on The Bachelorette last night: "I can't wait to wake up next to those big brown eyes every morning."
Stephen my husband to me: "I can't wait for you to hit me until I turn off the alarm every morning."

Gentlemen, the final rose

Last night on the Bachelorette, Chris won a tin cup for bravery (because Emily felt bad that he was terrible at the highland games). But that's not what Chris called it. Chris called it "The Award for Bravery" "The Bravest Man Award" and then my favorite, "The Bravest Man Mug." It's like receiving a certificate of participation and calling it The Award For Most Excellent and Outstanding Participation Mug.

How much are we going to miss this guy?

Hey Ryan, can I borrow your top?

So much.

Don't worry guys, Ry Ry here is going to land on his feet. Maybe you haven't heard, or he hasn't told you in the last ten minutes, but he's athletic, successful, good looking, and owns turquoise shoes. Somewhere out there is the trophy wife he's looking for who will be totally cool with his list of twelve  requirements that he brings up on the second date. She can help him measure his neck circumference and shave triangles in his beard. ABC, please make this guy the next Bachelor. Please. 

Emily was bummed that Travis didn't take his shirt off, because as she put it, "I've been wondering, like, what's underneath that shirt?" It was at this point in the show that Stephen, who was "listening to music" and "not watching" laughed out loud. If I had to guess, Em, I'd say it's an abdomen under there. Is that unimaginative of me? 

That was 90% gravity

The Bachelorette. Oh man, The Bachelorette. Let's talk about the guy whose title is "Luxury Brand Consultant". The second funniest title of the season, behind "Party MC". The producers started Mr. Consultant off on the right foot by flying him in on a chopper because THIS SHOW DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH HELICOPTERS. Of course the rest of the dudes hate him, blah blah blah, he'll be around at least until the final four because it makes awesome television (see Michelle, Vienna, Courtney, Rated R, etc.). Let's talk about the totes adorbs Jef from SLC, the first Utah contestant who is not completely crazy sauce banana pants (see Michelle...again, Bentley, blond girl from last season). Let's talk about the phrase "He has a lot of the qualities I'm looking for" and how it always mean that the "he" is soon to be sent home. Let's talk about Emily and how great it is that she made Handsome Sports Dude unload her groceries and make cookies for soccer practice. Let's talk about the face Handsome Sports Dude made when he learned that was the day's activities. It was very "WHERE'S MY HELICOPTER?" Let's talk about the poor suckers whose response to "where do you see yourself in five years was, "I see myself happy" as if that makes any sense or would ever be considered a sufficient answer to anyone who has ever had a conversation with another person, ever. Let's talk about The Muppets and how terribly, terribly wrong it was to see Chris Harrison try and mimic Statler and Waldorf. Show some respect, you scumbag.

I'll never let go, jack

This cracked me up:

Bachelorettes Ashley and Allie take Emily under their wings, prepping her for her upcoming season of The Bachelorette. The day's activites included shopping, makeovers, and a movie, Titanic in 3D more specifically. All of that is normal enough, though they did go to the movie in mini dresses and probably froze to death because movie theaters are heckacold, and they probably couldn't eat any popcorn because they would bloat and rip their outfit. The hilarity ensued with their commentary of the movie. How it's the greatest love story of all time and the epitome of a perfect relationship. How Ashley and JP have that kind of love. How Emily deserves such love in her life. I have to assume this was their first time seeing Titanic, because SPOILER ALERT, the ship sinks. Jack dies. Wishing such tragedy on anyone else is sadistic. Wishing it on yourself is masochistic. Actually, that explains a lot about this television franchise.

In other news, I have approximately one million extra birth announcements. Want one? Send me an email with your address. You could leave a comment with yoru email, but then the spammers who seem to love my blog so much might hunt you down. To be fair, they are really nice and promise lots of fun things like herbal enhancement, extra income, and more comments on my blog, which totally works as you can tell by the number of comments this past week. Oh wait...this is awkward...