Wednesday, June 30, 2010

scooter for you

Remember when Fabio got hit in the head by a goose? I think the geese planned it. I think they had had enough of emptyI Can't Believe It's Not Butter tubs floating in their ponds. I think it was a suicide mission. A kamikaze goose.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


We won tickets to see Twilight. And we're so excited. Because for those of us who have not read the books, each new movie offers an array of befuddling developments, often to our besument. Some people are really into Twlight, and I think that's great. I think that even these fans can admit that the films have a nature that lends any viewer, fan and critic alike, complete entertainment. Whether you're the die-hard crying on the front row or the novice laughing in the back, it's an experience unlike any other.

As for me, I'm team quirky vampire brother who's dating his sister and tried to eat Bella in the last movie.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Body Movin'

It's too bad we can't enjoy sleep while we're sleeping. After some highly scientific analysis, I've found sleep to be a completely unsatisfactory experience. We look forward to sleeping all day. When we're done sleeping we want more. But we never actually enjoy sleeping. It's like the most delicious desert that we can't taste. I know that there is a feeling right before I drift off. I know that what's coming is good. But I don't remember the good. Instead I remember the dreams. I've gained 200 pounds. I'm living on Jupiter. I married Stephen's evil twin brother. Why can't I run? I'm back on my mission. I forgot to wear pants to work. The goldfish are taking over I-15. Sleep is relaxing like the plague is awesome. It's not.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sitting on the dock of the bay

The other day my coworker felt something in her sleeve. She assumed it was stray hair. She assumed wrong. After repeated irriatation she stretched her sleeve and took a peek to find eight legs creeping upward. A brown recluse. A brown recluse was in her sleeve. I don't know how she lived. They don't kill apparently, but I think my heart would have stopped at first sight of the wretched creature. With the exception of used bandaids, I would rather see anything near me than see a spider. I would rather come home to find a crocodile in the bath tub, a cougar in the kitchen and an actual monster under the bed than to come home and find spiders lurking in our dwelling's secluded corners. They're too small. They're too undetectible. They're too eager to let me swallow them in my sleep which happens nine times a year according to elementary school playground lore.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How you ever got to teach a course in anything is amazing

I'm working at a tech company. Did I tell you that? I'm working at a tech company. Consequently, I'm learning jargon. I resisted at first. But after about the 52nd time that my boss asked me to do something like "load the TRs to the CBTs" and I spent the next half hour staring blankly at my computer screen, I finally caved. Now I jarg with the best of them. It's an IFA on the sp with the doc bandwith.
So when it's lunch time, I like the silence. I like stepping out of the office and for 60 minutes not speaking to another soul. I like concentrating on food because I know what "soup" and "sandwich" mean without having to check a tech blog. So when I was deep in a tomato-basil induced trance, I was annoyed when the man next to me attempted a conversation. I gave him a one word answer, obligatory smile, and then checked my voicemail because I am obviously a very busy person with very important things to do with other very important people on the phone and I don't really need conversations with random cafe patrons. He ignored my ignoring. "You have kids?" he asked. I told him no. he told me kids are so much work. But that he loves his kids and he feels lost without them because they're spending the week at the grandparents. He said it's hard raising kids on your own, which he's been doing for twelve years. He told me to get a lab, that they're a real pain in the butt but I'll love that stupid dog like a family member until fifteen years later when it dies. He told me that a clean house makes a happy marriage and that a husband who helps clean the house is worth his weight in gold. He said if I'm a good cook all will be well, which sounds sexist but didn't feel sexist.
I walked away just that much happier to be as lucky as I am, and that much sadder that he isn't.
And then I TRed some CBTs.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The song goes on

Sometimes I feel like we're more eager to buy foods if they don't come from America. I just ate some frozen yogurt. My options were acai, original, peach, or Madagascar vanilla. I ordered Madagascar vanilla. I might not have if it was called American Fork vanilla. I wonder if people in other countries are like that.

Monday, June 21, 2010

I wonder what your boyfriend thinks about your braces

How many cough drops does it take to overdose?
" almonds "
" diet coke cans "
" smart waters "

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Just like a Prayer

Yeah, I cried. I don't know. I mean, when the first Toy Story premiered I was still playing with toys. And now I'm 24. Sometimes I'm not sure how that happened.
When my third grade teacher Mrs. Cunningham read the final pages of the Winnie the Pooh series aloud to the class, she cried. I get that now.

Friday, June 18, 2010

manager count the churros

Everytime this guy showed up on the court, I just couldn't handle it. So funny.
Also, we live in what's essentially a newly married apartment complex. And this morning there was an awkward marriage book left stranded on the stairs. And I wonder if it will ever be claimed or if every one will pretend it isn't theirs and look away when they walk by until eventually the cats get to it, which, trust me, the cats will.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

planetary, intergalactic

Did I tell you we went to Key West on our honeymoon? We went to Key west. And it was really great. The only picture we took was of a cat at the Hemingway House, so sorry.
Anyway. That was like 6 weeks ago. And there was this bum on the beach, well there were lots of bums on the beach, not on bodies but like actual people who don't have jobs and drink a lot, k you get it, so yeah, there was this one bum in particular who was making plans for when the oil reached Florida. We laughed. "He's drunk!" we said. "The oil's hundreds of miles away" we knowingly scoffed to each other.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


The trees in the cemetary seem to mock us. There they stand, still alive after centuries, looming over the deceased. They seem to say "I've been here since before all y'all were even a twinkle in your mothers' eyes, and look. You're dead. I'm still standing strong." Trees probably look at us like we look at bugs. Short life expectancies. Easily expendable. But then again, we seem to live fuller. Sure there are risks involved in driving cars, talking on cell phones and eating hot pockets, but who wants to be made of bark and covered in bird poop. I'll take my 75 years over your 300, you tree you.

Monday, June 14, 2010

hot fuzz

As the cashier ran my groceries through the scanner, she held up the bottle of ginger beer and said "huh...does this taste anything like beer?". "Well, it's ginger beer" I replied, avoiding the question all together. "Oh. Right." It might taste like beer. I don't know. I've never had beer. It tastes like ginger. Because it's ginger beer. But then again does rootbeer taste like root? Regardless, it was awkward. And confusing. I'm usually mistaken for a twelve year old, not a heavy drinker. I think my complete inability to anwser her question let the poor cashier know that she had indeed incorrectly guessed my identity. I pulled out my phone and called time and temperature to avoid any further conversing while she focused intently on the sliced mushrooms' barcode. So, any way, I just opened the full grocery bag to find four hershey bars. I'm supposing it's apology chocolate. "Sorry for my wild assumptions about your familiarity with alcohol" Chocolate. Either that or the bag boy messed up. whatever.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Birds have started diving at my head again. Must be nest building time.