Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Stop talking Mrs. Wales class!

There's a business establishment near my residence named "Durfey's cleaners". And in this I find my consumer bias. I would not take my laundry to Durfey's, because I imagine a man, working on my linen skirt, full mug of coffee nearby, somehow trips spilling his coffee all over the wardrobe essential then yelling "DURF!" And then a coworker walking by comments "Wow you sure durfed that up". Or "What the durf happened?" So i think it may be wise to make a name change...maybe to Mr. Durfey's first name... Leroy's Cleaner's?

Carl has outgrown his shell. At first I thought he was finally warming up to my existence, showing his somehwat unnerving eyes and feelers more frequently of late. But as it turns out, he's being squeezed from his shell, as a corsett tied too tight. We'll be real friends, someday.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Your writing throughout this paper, on the level of the sentence, is admirably clear and straightforward. Which makes it all the more frustrating that your paper doesn't have anything to say...lacking a thesis...meanders...what's the point of this meditation?"

Wait what? I lack ideas?
Tell me something I don't know.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

Ah...really Frank?

I caught a fish. On a boat. Hook, line and sinker (cliche possibly missused). Fine. You want the truth? Someone else bated the hook (killing worms is sadder than you might think), directed my cast and helped reel it in. But heck, I'm claiming it as my catch because maybe I just really need that right now ok? Lay off.
I'm typing not in firefox which means spellcheck is off and I feel very uneasy. Spell check is to me as a bow is to a violin. Absolutely necessary. So let's keep it short.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mens from the Mars and the womens from the Venus

Last night Sister Largey and I were hiding out in the attic, sharing an apple, crouched near the floor, unable to stand up to full heigth without hitting our heads on the A frame. Then a bang on the door. My english professor's wife, her hair twisted in a bun with a pencil, glasses posed mid nose, a look of scorn shot at the two of us. "Food storage!" She screamed, while her husband ran through the door holding a loaf of wonder bread. "Go" I whipsered to Sister L. and we fleed the room, down the stairs and out into the yard. But something was not right. I knew they were still there, the zombies were going to get us. Then Carl The Hermit Crab made quite the racket and I woke up with a full bladder.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

your mama's hair's so nappy she has to take a painkiller to comb her head.

This morning I woke to a feeling of utter panic, a paper due in hours with only a rough outline completed. With dread I hurriedly rushed through the morning routine, pulling up my email to see if today was the day Obama had finally stumbled across my blog and decided to knight me "Madam Meg the Magnificent." But what I found was better. Unbelievable you say? You may not believe it's not butter, but believe this: Class cancelled! God loves me, I thought. "God loves you" Jenny said. So much time to get things done, a day full of opportunity, productivity at last. So I've been hard at work watching Twilight parodies, researching Biz Markie and Flight of the Concords, walking to Crest twice, shelling pistachios, texting my mom, and eating baby carrots. I have a meeting in 2 hours with business executives who want to review my writing samples. So far I have half a page, double-spaced. 

In EVEN BETTER news, tobetomars.blogspot.com is the top search result when I ego search myself on google. I finally beat the London-based belly dancer. Modest is the hottest  kids.

Monday, May 4, 2009


You're ascending the Southern hill to campus, when you hear a "hey" from behind. This presents a dilemma for a number of reasons. The dilemma being turn or not. As i see it, there's a one in three chance that the hey was directed at you. The other two options being directed at another person or into a phone. So given then odds, it requires serious contemplation before the turn. Likely, it was not your hey to accept, and by turning you are made the fool. But if the 33.3% betrays you and it's Becky from the second grade who wishes to hug and chat and buy you lunch, you're not turning is ice cold and she'll cry herself to sleep tonight.

*If the speaker from behind is dressed in a Little Ceaser's Uniform, holding a cardboard pepperoni pizza guitar and standing on the street, his "Hot and Ready Five Dollar Pizza!" is most definitely for you to hear even if you're in the middle of an intense cardiovascular exercise and in no way able to carry a pizza 12 blocks home.