Tuesday, August 31, 2010

wash your hands, kevin

This morning I was stopped in traffic for a long time. Next to a bag of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I only ate two, although one of the two was extra large. I also only sent two "I'm bored, save me" texts. As though the recipients would call with a list of jokes to keep me laughing for ninety minutes because they have nothing better to do. I made it thirty minutes listening to real news before switching to celebrity news (Paris Hilton was caught with cocaine in Las Vegas). I saw the guy in front of me spill something, freak out, then spend ten minutes cleaning it up. We didn't move at all during that time. And even though we were moving at an average speed of 7mph, the old couple to my right never went over 3. I didn't swear, though I did sing off key.

Monday, August 30, 2010


We've been watching MadMen. A lot. We talk about the characters as though they were a. real, and b. our friends. Everytime Don does something naughty it breaks my heart. My heart is constantly broken. It sounds unhealthy. Obsessive. I guess it is. But what a ride.

Also, this weekend I became the first person to hold a StarWars lunchbox and kiss a cute boy.
*Not an actual fact, just a probably pretty accurate assumption.

Friday, August 27, 2010

You can drop the voice

I forget that kids aren't sipposed to talk to strangers. Sometimes I talk to kids. Kids I don't know. Making me a stranger. If you say "I like your pants" to some one your own age, they're flattered. If you say it to an eight-year old, they're scared. But her pants were super cute. Green pants. Why was I around an 8 year old? We were both waiting for the crossing quard to give us the ok before continuing across the intersection. When we parted ways she looked over her shoulder just to make sure I wasn;t following her. At least it's good to know that kids these days are cautious. Maybe I should start doing my hair before stepping outside, and lessen the fear factor.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Hey, you've got to hide your love away

My mobile telephone has died. Or is dying. I can no longer make calls, and I'm assuming I can no longer receive them, though I might just be telling myself that.
This has been a long time coming. There was the Perrier accident of Summer 2009. A cap not screwed on correctly, a full bottle of sparkling water, a wet bag, and the loss of all camera functionality. Then there was the back pocket of incident of Fall 2009. I won't get too graphic, but I will tell you that there was a body of water, some pants, some almost flushing, and that it was suspiciously similar to the hair brush incident of June, 2010. More recently was the "sat on the phone" episode wherein I discovered that the desk job has changed my body mass more than I would like to admit. There are also the innumerable droppings, mashings, and losings of the phone, each recovery more miraculous than the one before. But this cat is at the end of life 9, and it's time to find a replacement. I know that I don't do well with replacing one beloved figure with another just like it, as evidenced in my love for Steve, Hermit Crab #1, and apthy for Carl, Hermit Crab #2. (in my defense, Carl was not very friendly). I should probably not get another Sony Ericsson flip phone because I will eventually stop feeding it and cleaning it's cage until it sinks into its shell, never to emerge again.
I don't want a phone smarter than I am, though I would like to play Angry Birds. Suggestions please.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

four horsemen

I don't care for feelings. I especially don't care for blogging about feelings. But guys, I need the advice of the interwebs.
I don't know what to do with my life. Cliche, sure, but it's become my cliche.
I know I want to go to grad school. I just don't know what kind.
I might go to law school. I'll for sure take the LSAT, cause I might as well. But do I want to be a lawyer? Do I want to wear nylons everyday?
For a long time I though I wanted a creative writing MFA. But do I? Do I want to be one of those writers that no one reads because they write like they have an MFA?
Maybe I should just shoot straight for retirement and open a floral shop and spend all day with the Hollycocks and Bells of Ireland.

Interwebs, guide me.

Monday, August 23, 2010

need a bigger boat

This morning I saw a family on their way to the first day of school. There were four children yelling, one with his back pack stuck in the front door, another with a pet bird on his finger, and a very frazzled looking mother waiting in the car. I was so jealous. I want to go to school. Not necessarily the third grade, but I would like to start writing assignments in my crisp new planner I'll lose a week later, buy $425 worth of books I'll read a third of and play the name game with strangers whose names I'll forget and fail to learn all semester. I want to buy chocolate almonds from the bookstore candy counter. I want to run to campus cause I'm late.
I know that 5 monthes ago I couldn't wait to get on with my life. Damn hindsight.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Fancy Footwork

I don't have an explanation for my recent animal obsession. All I know is that I want a puppy real bad. But we live in an apartment and both work full time, so all I have are dreams. That's not to say that I don't check KSL often or read up on all sorts of breeds or argue with Stephen about which dogs are classified as boy dogs. We both finally agreed that the Bull Terrier, picture above, would be just right. Someday.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Turning 24: The Stephen Walter Story

Starring Stephen Walter. August 18, 2010.
Happy Birthday, Love.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

sha na na na

Excuse me, which cloud is this? I'm all turned around. Yes, the cloud you're sitting on. It looks a lot like my cloud. Are you sure that's your cloud? Oh ok. I must be confused. No, I'm not confused now. I believe you're on my cloud. No really. My cloud looks just like that. I'm sure yours is somewhere around here. Ok I have to insist that you give me my cloud. I have places to be. No, it's not yours. I have documentation. Please don't make me call the authorities. Ok, I'll call them. I'm going to call. On the count of three. One...Two...get off. Get off of my cloud. HEY. YOU. GET OFF OF MY CLOUD.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Stephen's a Star

Watch this.

let's go bowling

I think I'm a hypochondriac. The thought alone proves it.
The other night we watched Philadelphia and (spoiler) after watching Tom Hanks die a pale, bald, death, I lay in bed thinking "that's going to happen to me."
Everytime there's a twinge in my arm I assume it's a heart attack. My index finger hurt yesterday and I was sure it was cancer.
My diet coke habit doesn't help anything, but only fuels the runaway imagination. When I search frantically for the cause of my AIDS, heart attack or cancer I always say "It's probably the diet coke." And I swear I won't drink it anymore. It never sticks.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

you just might find

I had another baby dream. This time our offspring was a fully bearded infant.
And then I was on a game show. I had to select a loaf pan. I went with the loaf pan that was the size of the car. Because meatloaf is Stephen's favorite.
Remember how I went running with a deer? Well since then all its deer friends have been trying to kill us. Three times in the last 72 hours We've had to swerve the car to avoid a hoofed animal standing smack dab in the middle of our lane. They give us a quick glance as if to say, "next time", and then bound away into the darkness. It's like The Ring 2 except not as hilarious.

Sunday, August 8, 2010


Sure, my nose looks misshapen, sure it's more a grimace than a smile, but the point is the hair. Because it's gone. Finally.

Friday, August 6, 2010

even though you can

This morning while running my usually route, I was surprised to find a deer not too far away. Which at first was awe inspiring, but soon became awkward as I realized I would eventually come to the runner's dilemma: pass or run slower. To pass someone on the trail is to essentially flip them the fitness bird. It is to say "It's a shame you can't keep up." "I was so bored back there, waiting for you to start moving." It's deflating. I know. I've been passed. But then there's protecting their feelings, staying a safe distance behind, and slowing down significantly.I mean, it's great the deer is taking care of herself. Maybe she recently gave birth and is getting over the fawn pounds. Maybe she's noticed the ill-effects of tree bark consumption and has decided to increase her cardio. And who am I to discourage her? But I have to get to work on time. I came very close to decision time, when the dear realized I was in fact a person creeping up behind her, and she took off in the other direction. Thanks, nature.
I  have no idea why "cardio" is highlighted.
And speaking of, I think that if my 17-year-old-runs-a-million-miles-a- week version of me knew about the current-lucky-if-I-get-a-mile-in version, she might cry. She might yell, "what have you become?!" She'd probably be dramatic. But then I would laugh at her hair. Cause it's poofy. And I would probably make fun of her jeans because HOLY BELLED BOTTOM.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

I'm usually wearing headphones at work. And sometimes when I'm wearing headphones I forget that other people are around. Sometimes I'm listening to This American Life and I smile, frown, and I've even cried. Sometimes I'm listening to music and I start singing quietly to myself. And tapping my fingers on the desk. This is especially dangerous when I have that crazy craving for Brittney's Toxic. Come on. You know that song is amazing. And the worst is watching videos of hilarious animals. Like http://cuteanimals.todaysbigthing.com/2010/06/15. I laugh uncontrollably. Like red in the face, wiping tears from my eyes, can't breathe. Other times coworkers come tap me on the shoulder to ask me a question, and I jump with fright.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

whatever makes you happy

In 3 days my hair will look like this.

But I won't wear that necklace, cause that's just crazy.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

As I went down to the river

There is such a thing as the International Ice Cream Association and they give lifetime achievement awards. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to receive said award.

Also, the other day i saw an advertisement for the company the Immortal Shed and the slogan read "The Last Shed You Will Ever Buy." And I know what they are trying to say is that this shed is so good you'll never have to replace it.  But it felt more like the last meal you will ever eat, the last word you will ever speak, the last breath hyou will ever take,  buy this shed and die. Maybe the shed is full of killer ninjas. Or maybe it's poorly constructed, and meant to collapse on first use. Or maybe it's full of cancer air.

And finally, would it be funny or lame to wear topical T-shirts from years gone by? Like, shirts that read "The Governator", "Hanging Chads", "Wardrobe Malfunction", etc. I can see it going either way.