Monday, April 30, 2012

Four score and seven years minus four score and five years

Today marks two years of marriage for Stephen and I. I should write about my feelings of love and appreciation, but instead I spent way too much time creating the following artistice representation of our life these past 730 days.


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Easy as 123

3 months! Woot!

It kills me that there is now an entire box of clothes that Ivy will never fit into again. It kills me that she's nearly doubled in size. It kills me that it's already been three months.
But the more she grows, the more fun we have.
Ivy, or Ives, as we usually call her, enjoys a good conversation. She listens intently as you speak then babbles a reply, usually accompanied by a smile or giggle. She often speaks and laughs to herself while she's supposed to be napping. She fights those naps, rubbing her eyes in exhaustion but refusing to fall asleep in case she misses something exciting. She still hates church. And while she doesn't scream during baths now, she doesn't care for them:

She loves the great outdoors and can usually be calmed from any freakout with a walk around the block.
She reaches out to touch Ollie's fur, our faces, and her own feet, and she's slowly starting to play with toys.
She's incredibly tall, and though her belly is round and her cheeks chubby, she's pretty thin for her age. 

In three months she's gone from a scrawny littl creature functioning only on reflexes to a delightful, tiny human being with a the sweetest disposition.

Totes Adorbs.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Would it kill you to take a shower, hippies?

Yesterday we went to an Obama campaign speech at CU. To some I know I might as well have said, "yesterday we went to a secret communist gathering where we slaughtered kittens." The vile, corrupt topic of his speech? Education and its importance to America's future. THE HORROR. Seriously though, be you a democrat or a republican, the chance to see the President of the United States is pretty incredible. So incredible that I waited in line for three hours to get a ticket. Lucky for me, I was waiting next to The World's Greatest Baby Expert (self proclaimed). I learned all about the evils of the Baby Bjorn (after I told her we owned one), the importance of teaching your infant sign lanuage and the importance of nursing (while I was giving Ivy a bottle). I pulled out my ipad and put on my most serious face to appear to be working and not have time to chat while really I just refreshed Facebook over and over. Still worth it to get the ticket. When I really started to doubt my commitment to the event was while sitting in the un-air-conditioned CU auditorium among ten-thousand Boulderites. Boulder is known for many things, but meticulous hygiene is not one of them. To be fair, only one person shouted out "legalize pot!" during the speech.

All in all I'm glad I went. For the first time really in my life, the way our government is run actually makes a difference in my day-to-day life. after receiving no less than twenty hospital invoices, I suddenly have opinions on healthcare. And the raising of student loan interest would certainly effect our future. So I'm paying attention to what the people in charge have to say about these things.

I marked my party as unaffiliated when I registered to vote. I guess I like being wooed by the candidates, especially now that we live in a swing state.  And I appreciated Mr. O paying a visit. So, your move, Mitt.

This woman needs no wooing. All thos blurred objects are Obama pins.

Friday, April 20, 2012

The Most Wonderful Time

Happy 4/20, friends!
Today is a huge day for Boulder.

CU campus 4/20/2010

For all intents and purposes, pot is legal in Boulder. There are "pharmacies" every where with green crosses in the window, letting patrons know that they've got "the good sticky icky" as some rapper said some time. One doesn't even need a medical marijuana card to obtain some. It's legal to carry around a personal amount, and light up, as far as I can tell, anywhere. We live twenty minutes outside of boulder where weed isn't quite as prominent, though there is a smoke shop a few blocks from our apartment named High Society. I spent 18 months in Eastern Europe, and still some of the craziest characters I've ever seen have walked out of High Society.
Since we're parents to an infant and Mormon, our Friday celebration will not include toking. But that's not going to stop Ivy from having a good time here at home:

Her "party shades"

Netflix and leftover pasta, here we come!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

It never gets old

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Maybe I should just unsubscribe

Sometimes BabyCenter sends me emails like this:

And I have to ask myself, what kind of mother am I if I delete this email?
I know that the 11 dangerous car seat mistakes parents make are really stupid. That it's going to say "The car seat should never be strapped to the roof of your's not Mitt Romney's dog." Ha! Political joke! I'm topical! But seriously. The dangerous mistakes referred to include not putting your baby in the car seat, not strapping the car seat into the car, etc. I get it. I learn nothing new from these bulletins. Yet I open them every time because what if I don't open one and something terrible happens that could have been prevented by reading the BabyCenter Baby Bulletin? That must be how their business model works. Preying on paranoia.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

always in a tux

You know when you go to the zoo and you feel so bad for all those animals that look so sad, sitting in their cages, longing for the wild? Have you ever felt that sympathy for penguins? Me neither. You know why? Because penguins always seem to be having the time of their lives. They're totally thrilled to be confined to various pools and faux ice landscapes, free of arctic predators and tasked only with entertaining onlookers. And entertain they do. Have you ever seen a penguin and not laughed? If I ever threw parties, I would invite penguins because SERIOUSLY what would liven a shindig quicker than a crew of waddling, squaking, formal-wear wearing birds? Plus I bet they tell hilarious jokes.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Dr. Ivy Answers

Brad in Utah asks,
Dr. Ivy- When bowling if you are left with a split should you cut your losses and make sure to knock one pin down or try for the long shot spare miracle shot?

Dr. Ivy says,
"To me this seems to be not so much a question about bowling, but instead an existential query on existence. In this, the bowling round of life, do we cut our losses and settle for mediocrity and an acceptable score, or do we, as you phrase it, try for the long shot spare miracle shot?  Dream big. Go for the spare. Yes, you might lose. But you also might win.

On a related note, be sure to wear socks with your rental shoes. I speak from experience."

Dr. Ivy

Dr. Ivy, The World's Most Trusted Expert

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I can't help myself

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

just say no

I'm on the mend, recovering from my annual cold. Every spring when the sun comes out and the germs thaw (science!) I fall ill. Yesterday was the peak and I felt like I had swallowed fiberglass and had an anvil implanted in my brain. Colds have the same effect on me as I imagine marijuana would. I don't know what actual effect marijuana has on me because I've been drug free for 26 years. Unless caffeine is a drug. If caffeine is a drug then I've been drug free for two minutes. But back to my point: When sneezing and coughing I tend to get the munchies and my brain works at half speed. After eating what must have been fifty percent of a bag of tortilla chips, I decided to step away from my self destructive snacking and go to the bank because I'm out of checks. Bless that poor bank teller's heart. She tried so hard to understand me when even i couldn't understand myself.
"Is your address the same?"
"Yes. No. What?"
"Is your address the same?"
"I moved."
" what's your address?"
"In Utah or here?"
"I lived in Utah."
"Ok, what's your address here?"
"Oh. Right."
Somehow I managed to tell her the coordinates and get out of the bank without causing harm to myself or others, as far as I know. Then I got home and ate probably 40 mini cadburry eggs and avoided operating heavy machinery the rest of the day.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Move along, baby haters

What's up blue eyes?

No, seriously. This child has the bluest eyes I've ever seen. If you were stranded on a raft in the very middle of the ocean, the color of the surrounding sea would be the color of Ivy's eyes. Sometimes I half expect sharks swim across her pupils.

She's taken to giggling, thereby giving us a pretty good indication of her likes and dislikes.
Things Ivy finds hilarious:
-Getting dressed. Who knew leggings were such a kick? Get it?
-Me. I must be the funniest mother alive. Or I always have food on my face or something.
-Stephen. She laughs at all his jokes. It's good someone does... jk jk jk.
-Nap time.
-Play time.
-Clean diapers.

Things Ivy does not find hilarious:
-Dirty diapers. I wouldn't be thrilled with sitting in that stuff either.
-Empty tummy. Again, who can blame her?
-Church. It's not meant to be funny I suppose, but why does it make her scream?
-More than five people in a room. She seems to have inherited my social anxiety.
-Baths. She gives me the most heartbreakingly hilarious look, like "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?"
-Shots. Just heartbreaking. Hell has to be watching infants get immunized on repeat. So terribly sad.

The nurse administering the immunizations yesterday said of Ivy, "This baby is very aware." She's right. Ivy seems abnormally alert and incredibly sensitive to her surroundings. She knows when you walk out of a room. She knows when she's not home. She knows who her parents are. And goodness we love her so.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Necessity is the mother of invention. Also, hoarding.

Over the weekend I saw Hoarders for the first time ever.  So gross. So awesome. So making me paranoid. Why do we have five pillows on our couch?! Why am I keeping all of these Nordstrom bags?! How long has that honeybutter been in the fridge?! From what I can tell, hoarding is a slippery slope, that can start with one too many bottles of lotion or a compulsive need to buy groceries. I'll admit it, Safeway is my happy place and I'm there usually once a day. And I don't always need that bag of cadburry eggs I bring home. Ok fine. I never need that bag of cadburry eggs I bring home. Maybe one day you'll see me on A&E, surrounded by dirty laundry and discarded food containers, and with a a look of shame I'll say "I just couldn't stop buying ramen noodles", and you'll turn to whoever you're watching the show with and say "Hey! I read her blog!"

Although watching Hoarders did cause a major loss in appetite, it didn't stop me from playing one of my favorite cooking games that I like to call "Making a recipe without half of the ingredients" in which I don't feel like driving to the store because I'm that lazy I want to conserve gas, and I google food substitutions, proving once again that it's impossible to live without the internet, and I bake something that sort of resembles what the original recipe was meant to create.

Yesterday it was these:

This photo is Martha's not mine.

From this recipe: but instead of honey I used Karo syrup and instead of dark brown sugar I used light with molasses and the cocoa was not dutch process. Were they delicious? Yes. Were they as delicious as what they could have been had I made the effort to purchase the required ingredients? Who cares?! How many ?!s are in this blog post? I'm afriad to count?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Friday, April 6, 2012

Seasons Greetings!

Happy Easter!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

up close and personal with insanity.

Stephen is on campus all day today.
Here I am in our apartment. Granted, I'm not alone. Ollie and Ivy are two of my favorite creatures and make great company. However, neither of them speaks or understands English. Also, they're both sleeping.
There's a lot of inner dialog happening up in here (are people still saying that?). Lots of deep thoughts.
Like one I posted on Facebook last night and then got no responses and then promptly removed because no responses means lame idea but after having slept on it I stand by its brilliance. U2's With or Without You is about a man in love with his organ donor. Right? I can't live, with or without you. You give yourself away. IT HAS TO BE.
Also, Stephen showed me a picture of a new flying car, and I thought "It looks like an airplane that drives" and then I realized all airplanes drive and then I realized airplanes are flying cars. The wait is over. The future is now. Finally.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

who uses a machete to cut through red tape

Yesterday I talked with one local government representative on the phone, three additional representatives in their office, three receptionists at the Longmont clinic, two nurses, a pediatrician, a billing specialist at the hospital and a health department worker. That's twelve people. Every single one of them was a woman. Stephen went to have a cavity filled, and the receptionist, dental hygienist and dentist were all women. Longmont is big on the ladies.

Speaking of girl power, Ivy is in the tenth percentile for weight and the ninetieth percentile for height. She's obviously destined to become America's Next Top Model Baby. Girlfriend already knows how to smize*:

*"Smile with your eyes," as coined by supermodel Tyra Banks on the thirteenth cycle of America's Next Top Model. Ever since its introduction, the term became part of the daily lexicon of Tyra and her minions. The art of smizing is epitomized by the legendary Super Smize.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

You're makin me sing...

Here's where you can hear last Friday's Porch performance:
It's the entire episode. I'm first (at 10 minutes in). Joanna Brooks is last. If you're going to listen to the whole thing, I'll warn you that there is some adultish material in Joanna's story.

Storytelling is TERRIFYING. My voice was obviously trembling, and this was the better of two renditions that night. I can sit here and write for hours with all the confidence in the world. But to look at faces and present my work and wait for a reaction...that's intense.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Dr. Ivy Answers

Stephen in Colorado asks,
Dr. Ivy- I'd like to know if you think a preemptive strike is ever justified?

Dr. Ivy says,
"In very extreme circumstances, yes. Like when I wake up in the morning, I cry. Not necessarily because I'm hungry or because I need a diaper change, but because I know that I will soon be hungry or need a diaper change. It's best to let the authorities know of your dissatisfaction as soon as possible. Like when I worked in that factory and I knew that they were going to lower our wages. I led a protest against the Venezuelan government to demand higher pay for a day's work. After rallying a group of 15,000 workers, Chavez finally gave in, and instead of the foretold wage decrease, we all earned double what we made before. Justified? I would say so!"

Dr. Ivy

Dr. Ivy, The World's Most Trusted Expert