Sunday, July 28, 2013

A post about actual life

As far as weeks go, this past one was pretty solid.
Have I mentioned that DC in the summer is normally hotter than the very bowels of Hell? Well the Devil must have taken leave because we here in The District as the locals seem to call it, have been experiencing some perfectly lovely weather.
So on Thursday when  Stephen gchatted "Want to drop everything and go to the Nats game right now?" I gave an enthusiastic yes and fifteen minutes later we were in the car. Turns out Stephen's company has tickets for every Nats game. No one claimed them for this particular game, so to the lowly intern they went. We were surprised first of all to find that our tickets included parking in an actual lot, for free. We were surprised further still to find that our seats were not the nosebleeds we expected, but instead in the Diamond Club, just a few rows from the field. AND I GOT FREE NACHOS. FREE. NACHOS. Plus Diet Coke, obviously.

True fans are willing to give up nap time to attend a game

We walked away from that afternoon deciding that selling out is worth it if it means more baseball games like that. Then, what better way to follow up a great game (and it was great watching Harper hit the final, winning run in the bottom of the  ninth), than to go to another game?

"Your seats are four rows from the top," said the mean usher. 

This time at Camden Yards to watch the Orioles play the Red Sox. I was torn. I come from a long line of Red Sox fanatics, but it's hard to cheer for a team that lost so atrociously as they did. I took comfort in good company and some waffle fries with crab dip. And Diet Coke, obviously. 
Sitting in front of us were some youths, probably 18 or 19. A song I'd never heard played, and they knew every step to a dance I'd never seen. They asked how many children we had, assuming Ivy was the youngest of many. When the game ended, one of the girls asked me, "Ma'am,  can you take our picture?" Ma'am. So I guess I'm a ma'am now. 

Also, Stephen got new glasses,

"Smile. No, smile like a human. That's not a smile. Fine. Whatever."

and Ivy turned 18 months. 

She celebrated with a directorial debut

I apologize if you've seen these photos/video already on Instagram. I accept your apology if you don't follow me on Instagram. 

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Dr. Ivy Answers: Celebrity Edition

His Royal Highness Prince George of Cambridge asks,

Dr. Ivy,
I'm new here. You're old and wise and I'm wondering if you could share some tips for finding success and happiness?

Dr. Ivy says,

"Hello, young one. Welcome. On the eve of my year and a half mark, nothing would delight me more than sharing the wisdom I've gained over my months on Earth. Regina Brett, a  90 year old columnist recently shared some tips.They're alright, but I did some light editing and made them better:

1. Life isn't fair. Some people can reach treats set on the counter, but some of us just aren't tall enough.

2. When in doubt, cry it out.

3.  Life is too short for naps.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Mom will though.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month. Or take mom's credit card out of her wallet and hid it under a couch cushion.

6. You don't have to win every argument but actually you do. And you will if you cry.

7. Cry with someone.  Or everyone. Or cry alone. Just cry.

8. Save for retirement one cheerio at a time.

9.When it comes to the car seat, resistance is futile.

10. Make peace with your dog so he'll leave your stuff alone.

11. It's OK to let your mom see you cry. And your dad. And your grandma. And the cashier at the grocery store. And your cat.

12. Don't compare your life to others. Even if they have fruit snacks, you have no idea what their journey is about.

13. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, they serve McDonalds pancakes all over the world.

14. Take a deep breath.  Before you scream.

15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. But everything is useful.  And anyone who touches your stuff is asking for it.

16. Whatever doesn't kill you belongs in your mouth.

17. It's never too late to be happy, so why go to bed?

18. When  it comes to going after what you love in life, try climbing on chairs to reach better.

19.  Play with fire, pull all your clothes out of the dresser, wear your best socks. Every day is a special occasion.

20. Over prepare, then throw a fit if things don't go your way.

21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to talk to imaginary ducks.

22.The most important organ is the colon.

23. Mom is in charge of your happiness. If you are unhappy it is her fault.

24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'how can I make this situation worse' and then scream.

25. Always choose snacks.

26.Forgive no one until they give you snacks.

27. What other people think of you is irrelevant to nap time.

28. Time heals almost everything. Except when you run into a wall. Only screaming heals that.

29. However good or bad a situation is, cry a little bit.

30. Don't take yourself so seriously unless you need a bottle and then people had better recognize just how serious you are.

31. Believe in miracles because have you tried Cool Whip?

32. Don't audit life but count your toys.Your dog probably stole some.

33. Growing old is great because then you can finally reach the treats on  the counter.

34. You get only one childhood so hit and kick while you can get away with it.

35. All that truly matters in the end is that you read The Very Hungry Caterpillar at least seven times daily.

36.Get outside every day. That's where the tasty bugs are.

37. Envy is a waste of time unless it helps you develop a solid plan for stealing your dog's treats.

38. The best is yet to come. Just wait til you meet Elmo.

39. No matter how you feel, get up, get mom up, get dad up.

40. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift, and like all gifts, should be shred open, played with for five minutes, then left in a corner somewhere.

Stick with these basic guidelines and you'll be OK, George."

Dr. Ivy

Dr. Ivy, The World's Greatest Expert

Monday, July 22, 2013

Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

This guy's job is harder than you think

Friday I logged onto the forum and saw this:

Why would someone who you thought was your friend text your husband suggestive PM? This person doesn't know the harm they have done. I hope it was worth it. Oh, [name of another user]!!

This is obviously terrible and devastating for the wife of the message recipient and she has my sympathies. But this blog isn't about her. It's about me and what I've had to deal with for the past four days. I thought the bare derriere episode was bad. The user using my photo for some unseemly photo shopping was pretty rough. But nothing comes close to the mess that I'm dealing with now.

It should be mentioned that the offender and the offended in  this situation have been pretty quiet. It's every other member who has lost their freaking minds. Here are some things they've said, I mean written, to each other:

I swear...I'm going to do a fly by and open up a can of whoop ass..., [name of user]... Is sooooooo overdue.

Hey, you want to play cyber-footsie, that's ok ... but you don't do it with a friend's husband under any circumstances.

This one is in response to my post saying this should be dealt with in private: Atta boy Meg, try to sweep this under the rug by suggesting this should be handled privately,screw that, why hide the truth?????

If someone's marriage can be broken up that easily....over something stupid like wasn't much of a marriage to begin with, now was it? Nothing like making a mountain out of a molehill....LOL. Get a friggen' life, will you?

I'm grateful my daughter isn't a skank!

In response to the thread above: If you had one, she'd probably be a self righteous prick who sticks her nose into everyone's business, just like her mama....

You get the point.

In my mind I see these full-grown women lined up on opposite sides of a room,  yelling these remarks at each other, throwing heavy blunt objects and eventually throwing punches. It would be a kind of entertaining train wreck if my job weren't to stop the conflict. It's not going well. For every thread I lock, a new one starts. For every member I threaten to ban, another starts a different fight. And for every hour that goes by, I get more messages from users telling  me how poorly I'm handling this.

Help me, internet. If you were me, what would you do?

Saturday, July 20, 2013


What English sounds like to Italians,  apparently:

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Hantavirus has a mortality rate of 38%

It's been a MORNING so far.

It started when Stephen sent me this insightful article about the effectiveness of wind as a mosquito deterrent. I immediately carried our box fan outside to try and clear our stairwell of the ugly bug ball that's hopping 24/7, and I didn't think anything of it when the door slammed shut. But as I searched for somewhere to plug in the fan cord, I realized the lock was set to automatic and I was unable to get back inside. Ivy sat at the kitchen table, happily eating her breakfast, and when I peered through the window, she waved. I should mention that Ivy and I never really switched over from Colorado time. So while the rest of the world wakes up at 8:00, we roll out of bed around 10. At this point it was 11:00 and I was standing outside on a fairly populated street in North East DC, wearing my pink polka dot pajamas, waving like a maniac at a toddler through a window. Thanks to the kindness of a neighbor, I got back inside and was relieved to find Ivy still sitting happily at the kitchen table. The relief was premature.

We're out of dishwasher detergent. There were a few squirts left in the bottle, so I supplemented with some dish soap. Do you know what happens when you put dish soap in the dishwasher? Of course you do. You're a responsible, educated adult with the right amount of common sense. I, apparently, am not, and was horrified to find suds creeping nearly halfway across the kitchen floor. Still in my pajamas, I grabbed every towel available and kept the bubbles at bay. Crisis number two averted.

But then I went to the bathroom. When I came out, I found Ivy standing in the kitchen with a massive grin on her face. "Meow," she said. Then I noticed what she held in her hand. A tail. A tail connected to a mouse corpse. The next sixty seconds went something like this:

Me, screaming: IVY PUT IT DOWN
Ivy, smiling: Meow
Me, shaking my hands in terror: IVY PUT IT DOWN
Ivy, smiling, walking toward me: Meow
Me, Jumping up and down with panic: IVY PUT IT DOWN
Ivy, laughing: Meow

Then, finally, she put it down.

Half a tube of hand sanitizer, a scalding bath, and a thorough vacuuming of the apartment later, I spent a solid hour, still in my pajamas, researching rodent-carried disease online.  

I think I've got things under control now. I occasionally mop up the soapy mess under the dishwasher, I've sprayed a healthy dose of RAID outside the our apartment entrance, I've checked every corner for mouse droppings, and I finally showered. But it's only 2pm. I dread discovering what surprises the rest of the day holds.

Monday, July 15, 2013

I bet she has long hair

What does a good mother look like?
What does she do?
What does she say?

Does she have an interesting, successful career in a field that utilizes her education?
Does she refuse to work and instead spends her days baking artisan bread and sewing?
Or does she work part time fighting internet trolls so she can afford to go to Target instead of Walmart?

Does she tell her child that beauty is about what's on the inside and that she can be anything she dreams?
Does she tell her child that she's her everything and the source of all her happiness?
Or does she tell her child to stop hitting and to oh my gosh take a nap already?

Does she read her child all the children books on the book shelf?
Does she read from Shakespeare to develop in her child an early appreciation for literature?
Or does she have Netflix for Kids bookmarked on her browser and often ends up watching Arthur by herself on the couch after her child gets bored and wanders away to find some sort of trouble to get into?

Does she puree organic fruits and vegetables to feed her child three times a day?
Does she get those organic fruits and vegetables from her garden?
Or has she resorted to calling goldfish crackers and chocolate pudding a meal because at least she's eating something, anything?

Does she tell expectant mothers that their life is about to become so much happier than they ever imagined?
Does she tell expectant mothers that what they are about to do is the most important part of life?
Or do they say to expectant mothers, "It's a lot of poop."

Does her child always look pristine, dressed in the latest baby trends?
Does she refuse to put bows in her daughter's hair so her daughter will grow up a strong, independent minded feminist?
Or does her child look like this?

Does she check her phone at the park?
Wait, what? Really? Not even once?
I don't believe you.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

That time someone put my head on Hitler's body.

Just another day at work.

A month or so ago, I had to ban a member from the forum I moderate. He didn't take it well. Since the reason I had to ban him was erratic and abusive behavior, I shouldn't  be surprised that he's responded with erratic and abusive behavior. 
He created a copycat forum and used my photo, obviously without my permission, to make it appear I was the site administrator. When he was told in no uncertain terms to stop, well, I guess we poked the bear. A creative bear. And a kind of mean bear. My head isn't THAT big, is it?

The above photo is posted under a thread titled "What is wrong with Meg" and the commentary suggests I should get my head out of somewhere it doesn't belong. 

Another thread, this one called "Meg has been BANHAMMERED", reads, 

Meg Has been BANHAMMERED! and her ip address has been BLOCKED!

And then this:

I'm sorry if the above image causes seizures.

Before you freak out and call me to make sure I haven't been murdered, relax. This guy doesn't know my last name. He has no idea where I live. He has no way of finding out. 

That said, I'm starting to really empathize with politicians and religious leaders. I feel confident in assuming that most of them know the pain of having entire webpages created in their dishonor. 

Maybe I should be flattered that I've reach such notoriety, but instead I find myself looking around, looking at my poorly photoshopped neck and blinking Banned for Life! insignia, and asking how my life led me to this point. 

Monday, July 1, 2013

Dr. Ivy Answers

Roger in Nantucket asks,
Dr. Ivy- Do you know any good jokes?

Dr. Ivy says,
"While you may know me as Dr. Ivy, others know me as Ivy Bring Down the House Walter.  I'm a master of hilarity, and I'm so confident in my delivery that I don't mind sharing some of my best bits. 

The real secret to comedy success is to make yourself laugh. If you think it's funny, chances are so do your parents, grandparents, catss, etc.

This one gets me every time: Balance yourself on the very edge of a chair. The more you're told to stop doing it, the funnier it gets. If you really want to rile up your audience, trying balancing on one foot. The reaction may be 'STOP DOING THAT!!!!!' but I promise your crowd is laughing on the inside. Laugh along with them.

Another classic: Try and light the stove. This one is an all around sensory experience. Turn the lighter knob and listen for the fun click click click. Then enjoy the smell of gas as it wafts through your house. Finally, this is the real show stopper, marvel at the fire you've created simply by pressing a button. I promise you'll never see an adult run faster or say 'NOOOOOOOOOOO' louder. Just remember, 'no' means 'That is the funniest thing I've ever seen,' And the more an adult says 'no', the funnier you are. Go ahead. Laugh.

Then there's this knee-slapper. No really. Slap knees. Or faces. Or arms. Or animals. Hitting is hysterical. Even better if you have a weapon. Try a book or hanger or shoe. Laugh maniacally. 

Finally, my no-fail, leave 'em in stitches rolling on the floor act: Pee on the floor. There will come a time when your guardian will idiotically decide that it's safe to leave you diaperless for thirty seconds. It doesn't matter if you just had a wet diaper or haven't had anything to drink in nine hours. You can pee. So do it. If there's a rug, do it there. There's nothing so funny as watching someone else clean this up. Laugh. You deserve it."

Dr. Ivy

Dr. Ivy, The World's Greatest Expert