Friday, November 20, 2009

I swear this is fiction

I was given an assignment to write test questions. I'm not depressed. This is all made up. Don't call me all concerned, or make me cookies or anything ok?

1. If he said he’d call, and it’s been 3 days and your phone is at full charge and full volume, and your friends all assure you two days ago that he would call, and they still assure you, only now with doubt in their eyes, and your roommate has loaned her your copy of He’s Just Not That Into You, and it’s 8:37 pm on a Thursday night, at what time will reality become>expectations? How many hours will be spent alone this weekend?

2. If one year is equivalent to seven dog years, and Winchester the schnauzer died at age 11 of natural causes, would it be appropriate to assume that your own life will end at 77, excluding the possibility of car accident, natural disaster,or cancer? Well maybe not cancer, because lets face it, cancer is everywhere and by the time you’re approaching 77 it will probably be THE natural cause, right? Right. Does seeing your age of death suddenly instill fear and an overwhelming sense of emptiness? Support your answer with textual evidence.

3. If it’s thirty degrees outside, and seventy degrees inside, and a fifteen-minute walk to campus, and nine o’clock in the morning, what degree of guilt is necessary to actually get out of bed? Is missing your first class really that big of a deal? Would turning off the space heater persuade you one way or another? I mean, with the space heater on it’s a completely blissful state of existence, but with the spaceheater off it’s colder and not quite perfection, so you might as well just embrace the misery and start the day. Or, will the colder temperature of the room only cause you to burrow deeper into the covers, because it’s a kind of misery you just can’t really deal with today, what with school and the loss of your dog Winchester and the boy who didn’t call, who you want to run into with all hopes that he’ll say sorry my phone died and I tired to come to your house to say hi but I shattered my femur and that’s why I have these crutches but can we please go out tonight? But you know that he’s probably perfectly healthy, and probably won’t say anything at all, just wave and keep walking so actually it would be better if you didn’t see him and continued believing your own lies, until you assume that he’s died, it was probably cancer, and you send his parents flowers in a sympathy gesture, and they’re extremely confused but that doesn’t matter at all, what matters is that you finally have closure and can move on with your life. Closure until you see his arms around another girl in the library. So what will it be? Are you getting out of bed or not? Include four digits after the decimal point in your answer.


  1. This sounds like test questions for a marriage prep class, if the teacher's life/humor had taken a dark and decidedly more interesting turn.

  2. i don't know how i feel about all the math calculations in your questions. i was never good at math.

  3. Can I just say that unexpectedly bringing back the dog and boy references in the third question was a stroke of "blogerary" genius?


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