Monday, October 21, 2013

"I left my glasses! Hahahahahaha!"

You'd think that  after that space shuttle malfunction, the plane crash on a deserted island, and being stuck in an airport terminal, that Tom Hanks would be avoiding travel. But no, he went and got himself abducted by cargo ship pirates. I worked on that joke all  weekend. It's a C+ joke at best. There's no hope for me.

Anyway, Stephen and I went out. We got a babysitter, cause we fancy folk, and headed for the picture show. Our dates are always to the movies. Back when we were childless and rolling around in the piles of money we were making from our full time jobs, we went to multiple movies a week. Now that we have offspring and mountains of student loan debt, it's a rare and special occurrence when we make it to our local AMC theater. But when we go, we go big and treat ourselves to the large popcorn and beverage combo. If there's anything I love more than a good movie, it's a good bag of movie popcorn. Quick flashback: In our early days of courtship, when we went to the first of what would be a lifetime of movies together, we stood at the concession counter and Stephen asked, "Do you think a small popcorn will be enough?". I laughed at his face. Then I ordered a large. Then I ate the entire large popcorn by myself.

So there we were, in our  happy place, sharing our extra large Diet Coke and popcorn, ready to view Captain Philips. Then the movie started. And the guy sitting next to me, who had looked  and seemed so very normal, began his personal narration of  the movie. At full volume. This narration included severely idiotic questions, i.e. "Why don't they just take a shot from  the  side of the  boat?", and jokes that were only funny because they were so not funny, one of which was the title of the post. I'm not going to explain it because I respect your intelligence. And to add insult to injury, he apparently ate seven cloves of garlic for dinner and then tried to mask the deathly aroma with a piece of gum. Every time he opened his mouth to make another "zinger", the garlic-mint combo nearly knocked me out. I leaned so far in  the opposite direction to avoid the breath and the voice that I practically sat on Stephen's lap. But the woman on the opposite side of Mr. Loudmouth was totally into it. She laughed at all his "jokes", nodded in agreement with his statements of the obvious, and held his hand through the entire two and half hours. So I guess there really is a lid for every pot. While I prefer the man who understands theater etiquette and lets me eat 5/6 of our shared snacks, Garlic Boy's lady friend prefers a different brand. Love is a beautiful thing. I just hope I don't have to sit next to it again.

Captain Philips was really great, by the way.


  1. You're like a weird, alternate-universe version of me.

    Oh, and it's the alternate universe that's weird, in case that wasn't clear.


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