never question bruce dickinson

Yesterday I turned 26 years old and Ivy turned one month old.
To celebrate, on Saturday night we took Ivy out for her first burger. She was super hungry and ordered a ton of food:



JUST KIDDING, settle down. I'm not feeding my infant fast food. She's a pretty strict vegetarian. In actuality, all the excitement was too  much for Ivy and she fell asleep. I, however, did some pretty serious damage to a cheeseburger and fries.

That crazy look in my eyes? That's burger lust. I love me a beef patty smothered in cheese.

Yesterday Stephen made pizza and I made a cake. We've been watching a lot of Cake Boss on Netflix, and we've started channeling Buddy (THE cake boss) while in the kitchen by saying things like, "The two of Youz, youz guyz set the table." or, "I gotta get this friggin cake made and then I gotta friggin eat it." It's the greatest show. I made chocolate cake because that's Ivy's favorite. JUST KIDDING, settle down, I'm not feeding my infant chocolate cake. She prefers vanilla. No, seriously, I'm just kidding. Please don't call the authorities.

Hey! You! What are you doing on March 30? There's no way you already have plans unless you're a celebrity or royalty or both like Kate Middleton. Kate? Are you reading? Please share all your beauty secrets. The rest of you should come to The Porch at Muse Music in Provo on March 30. Yours truly will be telling a story, and so will other more legit people. Tickets go on sale tomorrow morning. Purchase them here: http://utahporch.org/tickets



less business

I'm going to start a fashion/style/wardrobe blog. I figure that I have an advantage over other such blogs because I wear at least three different ensembles each day. There's the pajamas that I sport until noon or Ivy's morning nap, which ever comes first, then a Target T-shirt with jeans, until that T-shirt is spit up on and I change into a second Target T-shirt. There's also the Take Ollie Outside accessories, a puffy coat and galoshes, worn regardless of rain or shine. I'll probably get tons of hits because it's completely amazing how many Target T-shirts one person can go through in a week. Also, because it's amazing that I wear my hair in the exact same ponytail each day. The internet loves amazing things like that.

figure it out

Ivy, Ollie and I just took our first walk together. The walk was great, it was getting a stroller, baby and dog outside and down a flight of stairs, then up a flight of stairs and back inside again that was complete chaos. It reminded me very much of that mind puzzle thing about getting the fox and a chicken and a container of jelly beans or something across the river on a raft and there's some other complication I can't remember. The fox is going to eat the chicken? The jelly beans are actually dynamite? I've never solved it, or really tried.

I may have been a tad overzealous in bundling Ivy up for the frigid 60 degree weather:

what's a chicken store?

There are few things more terrifying than opening one of those little apple sauce cups. Will it splatter or won't it? It's a regular Russian roulette.
Kind of like putting a delicious carbonated beverage on the top shelf of the fridge for a few hours. When opening you may have the perfect, frosty, part ice diet coke, or you might have a cola explosion that clobbers you, your white couch, your dog and your infant. Not that I have any experience with such a scenario....MOTHER OF THE YEAR.

it's all right

Happy 3 weeks, Baby Ivy!



Has it only/already been three weeks? I feel like Ivy's always been part of our family, but I also feel like we were just in the hospital.

It's amazing the change that 3 weeks brings. Ivy's developed likes and dislikes (likes being held, dislikes not being held), deliberate facial expressions, the ability to reach out and touch, and a wide range of noises, including humming while she eats and growling while she sleeps. 

As for me, I forget I was ever pregnant. That is until I feel my jeans cutting off my circulation. But that might have more to do with eating brownies for breakfast than child-bearing.

personal network

Let's talk about The Bachelor. No, let's.
The Bachelor makes me extremely embarrassed to be a woman, but extremely happy to be a television viewer.
Girls, GIRLS, get a grip. Count the number of hours you've spent with Ben. Total. Is it more than five? No. It's not. You are not in a relationship. You're on a game show. And the only person who seems to understand this is Courtney the villian, who you all spend WAY too much energy hating on, when we know that she has to stick around for at least one more episode for the sake of ratings.
Also, if you don't want to scale a building or swim with sharks or jump out of a helicopter, you don't have to. Imagine you're on a date without cameras, and John Doe says "Oh you hate spiders? That's funny because our plan for the evening is to walk around with spiders on our heads." I don't know about you, but I would probably say "You know, I just remembered, I have the plague. You probably better take me home." Facing your worst fears does not prove your love for Ben. It is not, I repeat, IS NOT a metaphor for your relationship, because I'll remind you that you are not in a relationship. If you are, it's borderline abusive the way he's making you scale buildings and swim with sharks and jump from helicopters, despite you hating all of those things. Most couples go to the movies. They prove their love by sharing the popcorn. The Muppets movie is a metaphor for their relationship. And the success rates of those relationships are far better than those of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, which is like 1 for 38 last time I checked.
But I'm probably just wasting my breath. The dude made you all go skiing in bikinis and you stuck around. You're obviously impervious to sanity.

california raisins

3 years ago today Stephen and I went skiing for our first real date.

2 years ago Stephen and I went skiing and he proposed.

And now this V-day we're skiing the slopes of parenthood. Yikes. That was really rough. Forgive me.

Her face reflects how most of us feel when wearing an accessory for the first time. Is it too much? Am I trying too hard? I've assured her that while yes, sometimes headbands are overpowering, this one is the perfect size to add a subtle, feminine touch to her ensemble. 

Happy Valentine's Day, lovers.