Friday, May 17, 2013

Dear Beyonce,

Hey Girl!

How've you been?

First, off, I just want to clear the air.  Sure, I was upset when you stole my baby name. But I've had time to heal, and while my Ivy may not be the princess of hip hop or the promised child of The  Illuminati,  she's pretty good at patty cake, so I think she can hold up to comparison.

What have you been up to? Touring? Performing for the president? Superbowl Halftime? That's cool. I've been catching up on Say Yes To The Dress Atlanta and eating Wheat Thins.

So listen, the internet is telling me that you're pregnant again. I mean, congratulations, but I have some questions for you: Is Baby Blue waking up at 5:30 demanding snacks and shows? Did your body just barely get back to pre-baby normalcy? Are you struggling to keep the carpet next to  the high chair anything but filthy? Are you picking up your living room twenty seven times every day? Does Baby Blue make you feel  like a CIA water boarder during bath time? Does your house always smell faintly of a too-full diaper genie? Do you wonder if three hours of Sesame Street is too many hours of Sesame Street? Have you gone through an entire bottle of Excedrin this month? No? Well then I guess you are ready for Baby Green Lilly or Yellow Daffodil or whatever name you choose. Good for you. You're a stronger woman than I am.

All the best,


  1. Harrison used to scream so much during bath time I was sure the neighbor would call Cps on us. Now both of my children scream so much for no reason at all that I think our neighbor just moved out.

  2. Whoops. This was supposed to be an encouraging comment about motherhood wasn't it? Sorry. But my advice is to wait til ivy is 9 and the. Have another baby and then she can raise that baby.

  3. 9? I was thinking more like 12...


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