Thursday, May 24, 2012

Ivy celebrates 4 months by wearing a furry hat


When I was enrolled in a fiction writing class and had an upcoming assignment due, I started writing a story about a baby who decided to never crawl, walk or talk because said baby enjoyed having every need taken care of by parents. I got a page into the story and it just wasn't working. Something wasn't right. Now I think I get why.


Ivy wants to be grown up. She tries to hold her own bottle. She tries to roll over (and succeeds every once in a while). She tries to sit. She tries to grab my Diet Coke. She laughs constantly, sometimes for real, sometimes fake. She babbles all day. She puts everything in her mouth, including her own feet.


Ivy is in the 91st percentile for height, and the 11th percentile for weight. She's teething and has the drool to prove it. She likes almost everything except church and new people. 


Ivy seems to genuinely enjoy getting older. She loves that she can pick up toys and put her binky in her mouth and giggle at her silly parents. I think she can't wait to crawl, walk and talk, hold her own bottle, sit up, and knock a Diet Coke out of my hands.

Though she can't wait to grow up, Stephen and I are trying to savor every day as we get better acquainted with this sweet, hilarious, beautiful daughter of ours. It never stops getting better.


"

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

That was 90% gravity

The Bachelorette. Oh man, The Bachelorette. Let's talk about the guy whose title is "Luxury Brand Consultant". The second funniest title of the season, behind "Party MC". The producers started Mr. Consultant off on the right foot by flying him in on a chopper because THIS SHOW DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH HELICOPTERS. Of course the rest of the dudes hate him, blah blah blah, he'll be around at least until the final four because it makes awesome television (see Michelle, Vienna, Courtney, Rated R, etc.). Let's talk about the totes adorbs Jef from SLC, the first Utah contestant who is not completely crazy sauce banana pants (see Michelle...again, Bentley, blond girl from last season). Let's talk about the phrase "He has a lot of the qualities I'm looking for" and how it always mean that the "he" is soon to be sent home. Let's talk about Emily and how great it is that she made Handsome Sports Dude unload her groceries and make cookies for soccer practice. Let's talk about the face Handsome Sports Dude made when he learned that was the day's activities. It was very "WHERE'S MY HELICOPTER?" Let's talk about the poor suckers whose response to "where do you see yourself in five years was, "I see myself happy" as if that makes any sense or would ever be considered a sufficient answer to anyone who has ever had a conversation with another person, ever. Let's talk about The Muppets and how terribly, terribly wrong it was to see Chris Harrison try and mimic Statler and Waldorf. Show some respect, you scumbag.


Monday, May 21, 2012

Stephen's Lunch Don't Touch!

In an effort to simplify our lives before we pack up our belongings and DRIVE ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE FRIGGIN COUNTRY, I've spent the last two hours going through our wardrobes and making a donation pile. While doing so, I had to keep reminding myself of lessons I've learned from my past as a clothes  horse with borderline hoarder tendencies:

1. If you say to yourself, "It might fit again some day," It won't. Let it go.
2. If you say to yourself, "I can fix that hole," You won't. Say good bye.
3. If you say to yourself, "It's vintage," an Old Navy Fourth of July flag tee is not what those hipsters are talking about. Give it up."
4. If you haven't worn it in the past year, you never will. Trust me.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Shout hooray

Yesterday Carey, aka Mom, had a big birthday. 


A year ago, when we found out we had a wee one on the way, I wasn't sure how my parents would feel about becoming grandparents. I hoped they wouldn't feel that we were somehow prematurely aging them. So I was relieved when Carey wept with joy after we told her the news. She's been in Rocks Star Grandma mode ever since. 


Without Carey, I don't think we would have survived the first week after Ivy was born. When she left to go home to Utah, I sobbed uncontrollably. She made everything perfect, kept our apartment cleaner than it's ever been (and probably ever will be), got up in the night with Ivy, insisted that I relax, drove us to doctors appointments, cooked constantly, and babysat so Stephen and I could go get sushi after nine months of deprivation. 


Not only does she make 50  and grandmotherdom look really good, but so far Carey is the single person who can make Ivy giggle at any moment. Ivy laughs at everyone, but usually only sporadically. With Carey, it's patty cake and chuckle fest all the time.

We love you, Nana Carey.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Dr. Ivy Answers

Stan in Michigan asks,Dr. Ivy- Is it better to be feared or loved?

Dr. Ivy says,
The answer to your question, Stan, is entirely dependent on context. Feared or loved by who? If we're considering your relationship with a rattle snake, it's certainly better to be feared. But if it's a bunny, it's better to be loved. Unless it's the Monty Python bunny. If it's the Monty Python bunny it's you who had better fear and run away. RUN AWAY! When it comes to other homo sapiens, however, it's not so cut and dry. I find a little bit of fear and a little bit of love a good balance makes. In my three months of life I've learned that most of the time it's best to goo and gaa and giggle to be adored by my aquaintances, but every once in a while I throw a fit so that Mom Dad and Dog know who's boss. It's me. I'm the boss. Love me. Fear me.


Love,
Dr. Ivy

Dr. Ivy, The World's Most Trusted Expert

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

She has a future on Broadway and I have a future in cinematography.

video

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Jim ate it

Monday, May 7, 2012

I have been looking for a good embroidered blue USA cap

I'm usually pretty good at recognizing a scam. I've never given money to a Nigerian prince, I never answer the phone when it's an area code I don't recognize and I never open mail that says I'm pre-approved for anything, so I don't know how the representative from VacMax 30000 ended up in our living room. A complete lapse in judgment I guess.The woman who called to set up the appointment promised a $500 gift card just for letting a sales guy give a presentation. I figured it would be a 10 show and then we'd collect our reward. However when the tattooed, wolf-smiled salesman was 45 minutes into his pitch, I  realized he would probably never leave and we'd have to pull out the air mattress and find some spare linens. Luckily, by some sort of miracle he realized that we're renters, in law shool and not in any sort of position to buy $3200 vacuum. He was unhappy, to put it lightly, that he'd wasted his time and breath on a couple of good-for nothings, and couldn't huff of here fast enough. But he did leave the promised $500 gift card. $500 to www.GoShoppingMall.com. Let's look at what I can buy, shall we?







Note:



Looks like I'll get my holiday shopping done early this year, and only pay $300 in shipping!

To add insult to injury, Stephen really wants a VacMax 3000.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Movie Review Monday But Actually Thursday


More like Meryl Streep The Batty Old Hallucinating Lady Who Is Also Pretty Mean. I was looking forward to learning about Maggie T's time as Prime Minister. I'm still looking forward to learning about it someday but I'll have to find a book or something because this snoozefest did little more than make me wonder if I was the only one who thought Julia Childs and Margaret Thatcher had suspiciously similar voices. I swear 70 minutes of the film was her wandering around her house talking to her dead husband, and the remaining time was filled with news clips from the 80s.
Since our viewing, Stephen has found every oppirtunity to mimic Ms. Streep's accent and proclaim, "Never Compromise!" and it sounds very much like this:

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Also why I can't live in Florida

Aside from starvation and oppressive governments, I think the greatest injustice of geography is that there are people in the world who have to live where camel spiders exist. If you've never heard of camel spiders DO NOT LOOK IT UP. You will never sleep again. But then I guess my fear of arachnids, insects and the like is greater than the average person's.
Once, when I was just a tiny person, my mom heard a blood-curdling scream come from the downstair's bathroom where I was. She expected to find a flesh wound or armed robber. Instead she found me fa-lipping out over a fly. A common house fly. It was just too much for me to handle. And while I'd like to say I outgrew it, well, I didn't. In fact last night I really had to use the restroom but I knew that there was a moth roughly the size of my head lurking in a corner of the shower. So I held it. All night.
If you threw me in the Indiana Jones pit of snakes, I'd be totally fine. but if it were a pit of spiders, or moths or even rolly-polly bugs, I would immediately give up the will to live. It's that bad.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

You can follow the bowling live radio station on twitter

To celebrate our two years of weddedness, we bowled. Not because we're ironic hipsters, but because we legitimately enjoy bowling.
The Longmont alley is everything you would both hope and expect it to be. It smelled strongly of stale hot dogs and was all but empty save for a few seriously suspicous characters.
Stephen's a pretty consistent bowler, and I actually kept up the first round. But it wasn't long before I had to switch to the six-pound child's ball just to avoid throwing gutterballs. #upperbodystrengthfail. So yeah, Stephen won, blah blah blah, and I eventually sort of gave up and just focused on figuring out what exposure works best in flourescent light.




Ivy makes a great cheerleader.

For our romantic dinner I made this:

I probably should have plated this better.

I found the beef broccoli recipe HERE. So tasty. Yeah, I had to buy a few wacky ingredients, but I'll for sure make this dish again because what else am I going to with oyster sauce? Not use it as an air freshener I can tell you that. #thestuffreeks.

#heightdiscrepancy #tryspellingdiscrepancywithoulookingitup