Tuesday, November 13, 2012

It's like RAID became part of my chemical makeup.

Do you have a crushing fear of all things creepy and crawly? Does the word Arachnophobia define your existence? Have you been known to call a neighbor to come kill a Daddy Long Leg at three o clock in the morning?

Well, do I have a cure for you!

Parturition. (Street name: Child Birth).

Prechild, I was once like you. Spiders haunted my dreams. The great outdoors seemed nothing more than a giant habitat for terrifying invertebrate. I was even afraid of butterflies.

But then, after gestation and delivery, I stepped into the nursery to check on my sleeping infant. All seemed well until I spotted a decent-sized spider mere inches from my daughter's crib. Without so much as a chill down my spine, I marched to the bathroom, grabbed some tissue, and I CRUSHED THAT SUCKER DEAD. Nobody, spine or no spine, messes with my baby.

Thanks, Parturition!

Side effects may include: Weight gain, weepiness, nausea, and a human being to care for.


  1. Dude. I'm totally going to train my babies to kill the spiders for me. I'll try to discourage them from eating them, but if that's what it takes for them to get rid of the creepy crawlies, so be it.

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