i backed my car into a cop car the other day

The beginning of pregnancy is a lot like starting a new job. You know you should probably understand what's going on, but you have no idea what's happening. There's a whole new vocabulary full of terms that don't make any sense (morning sickness), and you realize you probably should have done some more research before your first day. I should have known how to work a computer before starting my job, and I should have known basic anatomy before creating new life. The day I saw the + on the p-test, I called a nurse and asked her forty-five minutes worth of questions. I asked her to tell me all the rules of pregnancy. There are a lot of rules. And then I asked her what to expect, and bless her heart, she tried. The term "expecting" is hysterical, because so far nearly everything about this adventure has been unexpected. I won't go into details about the all these special changes because I don't want to alienate the male readers more than I already have, and no one wants to read about the embarrassing noise I made in public yesterday. (Oh man, see what I did there?) It's all exciting, because as embarrassing as the noises are, and as badly as I hate broccoli lately, and as grouchy as I get at about 10:00p.m., it all means that there's a little nubbin of a human growing within. That's all I really have to say about that. Peace.

you float like a feather

Our GPS, who we've named Madge, is losing patience with us. We try really hard to follow her directions, but sometimes we mess up (allegory much?). When we make a wrong turn I swear the volume increases and in a curt tone she says, "Recalculating," then in complete exasperation she sighs, "When possible, make a legal U-turn." I'm just waiting for the day when Madge says, "You're hopeless, buy a map." Or maybe if she gets really annoyed, "Drive into oncoming traffic you incompetent fools."

you need to change your name

I heard that Mitt Romney was going to be at Hires Big H, which made me crave a Big H. So while in Salt Lake we parked in the car hop lot and turned out lights on. While waiting for the waitress I said to Stephen "Mitt will be here tomorrow" so that he would be impressed with my political knowledge. And he was impressed. Then when the waitress appeared Stephen said, "Hey, we heard Mitt will be here tomorrow," because Stephen is friendly and enjoys making conversation with strangers, unlike myself, since I usually mutter "Thanks for the onion rings" and avoid further eye contact. "What? I haven't heard anything about that," the waitress said. And I felt like such an idiot. Serves me right for trying to impress my husband with the political knowledge I've never had. Slowly I chewed the onion rings, feeling fully defeated and embarrassed. The waitress was probably telling the entire Hires staff about the blond in the Honda Civic making up lies about presidential candidates. Then she returned to the car and said, "You're right. He'll be here tomorrow at 3:15." CHA-CHING. I'm the most political savvy person the world has ever known. Or maybe just the world's biggest Hires fan.

i aint got no crystal ball

He keeps running into walls. He forgets that he has to hold his head up and ends up toppling over as the cone drags on the carpet. He tries scratching his ear but scratches the cone instead. He keeps growling with frustration. It's the funniest/saddest thing I've ever seen.

And now news from the baby growing front: Baby loves cold pizza and everlasting gobstoppers. Baby hates vegetables and chicken. I love sleeping ten hours a night.

don't underestimate

One of the worst things about puppies is their totally trusting nature. Ollie thought that we were just going for another fun car ride, one of his favorite things. And because he's so trusting, he never suspected that we were headed to the Pet Hospital, and that he was enjoying his final few minutes as a true boy puppy. I tried explaining to him why it's necessary to have this particular procedure done. That he's really not in a great position to be a father. That it will prevent disease. That it will really improve his relationship with other dogs. But I just don't think I got through to him. 

George, we're bonding

I didn't really expect Doctor B. to help. I figured I'd tell him I was nauseas, and he'd tell me to bathe in turnip juice, stand on my head, eat only ginger, or just deal with it, because in the words of Bren, Juno's stepmom, "Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream." But not Dr. B.
"I'm nauseas," I told him.
"I'll write you a prescription," he said IMMEDIATELY. He didn't even ask if I'd tried bathing in turnip juice or standing on my head or eating only ginger. He didn't tell me to wait it out or buck up. That blessed man, like me, is a believer in pills. And now I credit him with my every happiness because today I am medicated and walking on sunshine. I'm smiling at every stranger and laughing at every joke and I haven't gagged once.

meg is preg

Over the past two months I've developed some super human powers. I can smell even the faintest smell, whether it be spoiled milk at the other end of the grocery store, the garlic bread you ate yesterday for lunch, or the Vietnamese restaurant a block away. I can vomit on command. Really. It's awesome. I can also fall asleep on command. And finally, perhaps the most supernatural of all, I've become two people in one. There is actually another being growing within my abdomen. I know. It's unbelievable.
Stephen has become somewhat of a hero, picking up the slack since one of use (read: me) really isn't carrying their weight around the house. He's a master vacuumer, dish doer, take-out food-picker-upper, and all around moral supporter.

We're both thrilled to announce that Baby Walter is due January 30.