Dr. Ivy Answers

Tom in Brooklyn asks,

Dr. Ivy, what are you currently reading?

Dr. Ivy says,

"I belong to a pretty intense book group. We're all voracious readers, so at our meetings we cover not just one, but two or sometimes even three books. Yesterday we discussed Mouse Mess, the heartbreaking story of one lonely rodent in one large kitchen. It's the classic archetype, steal  bread to eat and survive, or keep the law and die. I won't spoil anything for you, but I will tell you that book club members McKenzie and Avery were moved to tears, but that may also have been because they wanted some juice.

We also read and talked about The Very Hungry Caterpillar, an obvious metaphor for capitalism. Toby, another book club member, repeatedly pointed and yelled "EAT!", driving home the point that as Americans we're all consuming, never producing. "BUTTERFLY!", Ruby yelled, posing the question, will we as a people ever transform from a bloated caterpillar to a beautiful, fluttering creature? We all agreed that given the current political climate, it's unlikely.

We ended the meeting with The Hokey Pokey and some bubbles until the majority of our group passed out on the floor, begging for a nap, intellectually exhausted. 

We agreed to read Goodnight Moon and Peekaboo, I See You for next week, and I have a sneaking suspicion the major theme of our discussion will be The Cold War. 

Love,

Dr. Ivy"

Dr. Ivy, The World's Greatest Expert

No butts about it

Let's start with the good news.

The good news is that the sun FINALLY showed itself last week so we spent a lot of time in the park.

Ivy loves the grass and swings and running away as fast as she can. I love getting out of the apartment.

Now the bad news.

The bad news is that people are still crazy. Last week I spent hours telling forum members to stop posting pictures of human derrieres. Maybe this story needs context? I'll take it from the top:

It started when a user changed her avatar to a picture of a lady's bum in some undies. Not necessarily offensive, just kind of obnoxious.  I was  willing to let it slide, but I starting receiving complaints from other members. So I asked her to take it down.  And then  the internet exploded. Remember The Boss? He posted this:

To the Clueless Prude who forced removal of the ______'s avatar: Screw you and your prudish morals. There was nothing wrong with that picture.

Nothing.

As a show of solidarity, and to stand up against such bull****, ______ has changed his avatar.

If this post is moved, locked or banished ... if I am asked to change it, if it is forcibly changed - I will not be back.

Will. Not. Be. Back.

As a show of solidarity against the abomination known as censorship, I urge you all to push the limits with a new avatar.

That is all.

As a show of solidarity against the abomination known as censorship, he changed his avatar to a close up of a man'ts speedo-clad pelvis. And as a show of solidarity against the abomination known as censorship, other users changed their avatars to butts, bosoms and everything else that might make a seventh-grader giggle.

At this point I wanted to set my computer on fire. Instead I posted this:

While this may not be a family forum, people who use this forum have families and should be comfortable accessing the site from home. At the very least this site needs to be safe for work.

I appreciate a good mooning or speedo shot as next as the next person, but please change your avatars to something we'd all feel comfortable having our children or coworkers see.

Thanks

In response the users changed their avatars to nuns, women in burkas,and faces with CENSORSHIP stamped across mouths. And no, The Boss has not returned. 

How was your week?

Let me oblige

Because you're probably dying to hear more about my job as a website moderator:

There's a user who refers to himself in third person only. I can't tell you his exact username, but I can tell you it's very similar to The Boss.  So he starts every post with "The Boss thinks" or "The Boss says" and then doles out some wisdom. It's weird. And I would feel bad blogging about his weirdness if he weren't also incredibly rude. His wisdom is often very patronizing, and although the ridiculousness  makes me laugh when I read "The Boss says you're wrong and stupid and should be more like me", it makes others mad.

Another user was so upset with the way I was running things that she edited all 8,764 of her posts to read:
"If you are not allowed your very own opinion without explaining yourself to death to others that don't matter, Then is it really worth it? Some people just do not get it, and they never will, because it is always about them and their ways," in big, red letters.
Do you know how long it takes to edit 8,764 posts? Let's say thirty seconds per post, assuming she's deleting the original post then copying and pasting her little love note. That's 4,382 minutes. 73 hours. 3.04 days. In a way I'm kind of honored that someone hates me so much that they are willing to spend three consecutive days destroying my online cred. But mostly I'm just terrified.

Things my child would probably say if she had a more extensive vocabulary

Reaching over her crib to the light switch
"Hey Mom,  watch!
On
Off
On
Off
On
Off"

After standing three inches in front of me and sneezing directly into my face
"Hahahahahahaha!
OMG, that was so funny. Your mouth was open and everything!
Hahahahahahaha!
Dad, did you see that? I totally sneezed on Mom!
Hahahahahahaha!"

After being caught feeding the dog people food
"Look, I know you guys are against this for whatever reason, but I really feel like this is the humane thing to do. Have you tried Ollie's food? No? Well I have. It's essentially meat infused gravel. I don't know if you're sadists or what, but I love my dog and am going to share my spaghetti."

After a few minutes unsupervised
"Hey Mom, you'll never guess where I hid your shoe. I'll  give you a hint: It starts with T and ends with T. Also,  it flushes."

Standing next to the table, watching  Stephen do his homework
"Hey Dad, can I see that pen for just one second?
Dad?
Dad, I think it's my turn now. You've had the pen for like three minutes.
Dad. DAD. DADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
Please?
The pen, Dad, please?
I've got a bunch of stuff I need to write.
Mom, can you tell dad to give  me the pen please?
Mom. MOM. MOMMMMMMMMMMM."

Nap time
"I don't really think I'm tired. I feel great. I'm ready for some more block stacking. Maybe some running in circles. Heck, I'm  even craving that cheese I turned my nose up at earlier. Really, the day is young, so let's get me out of here and get some stuff done.
Really. I am not sleepy at all.
Hello? Can you hear me? I SAID I'M NOT SLEEPY.
WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?
WHY DO YOU HATE ME?
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?
NEXT TIME I GET HOLD OF YOUR PHONE I'M CALLING CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES.
THIS IS ABUSE!
I AM NOT TIRED!
I AM NOT TIRED!
I.....
am....
not...
zzzzzzzzzz"

Here's looking at you, blog

I've invested most of my creative energy this week on actual writing, like, drafts and editing kind of writing, and it's left very little time for blogging, which is a shame,  because I have a lot to blog about. My birthday was really great, I saw Casablanca for the first time, Ivy said her first real word ("amen"), and I opened the first bag of Cadburry mini eggs for the season. But really I just want to finish my essay so for now, I'll  leave you with this: